While I was snuggling up with Ella under my down comforter in our big king sized bed watching snow fall outside the window it hit me (again) like a kick to the solar plexus how innocent she is of her story. I wish I could keep her that way. With all of the wonderful parts of adoption come the hard parts too. Paradox deluxe. It's not like I go around mourning her losses all the time or that I think she will be scarred for life or anything like that. Its just that sometimes I feel the hurt I know she will feel at that specific point in time when the hard parts dawn on her. I'm reading the books, I'm praying and we'll be fine. Undoubtedly I believe God gave her to our family as a marvelous gift and in a wonderful way but I can't help but hate anything that will cause her to hurt. Whatever pain there is she will get past and she will learn to incorporate her story into her life in a positive way but I wish I could shield her from the process. God knows I would. I would carry the hurts of the other kids too, the ones I birthed. Here's the stark reality. Motherhood is hard and the physical labor is the easy part. It's the heart part that is hard.
The day we picked up Ella 12/6/06. We were still in the attorney's office in this photo. We waited two very long hours for the attorney to arrive (she had a major God complex). Regan spilled Diet Coke in the attorney's leather chair and I was beyond caring. Note mine and Grace's teary eyes. It was so special to share this day with Grace. I will never forget her saying in total awe "Mom it's like they GAVE us a baby"! Ella was bundled in 5 layers of clothes and when we took the hat off her sweaty little head her hair stuck straight up!