Paradox Deluxe

While I was snuggling up with Ella under my down comforter in our big king sized bed watching snow fall outside the window it hit me (again) like a kick to the solar plexus how innocent she is of her story. I wish I could keep her that way. With all of the wonderful parts of adoption come the hard parts too. Paradox deluxe. It's not like I go around mourning her losses all the time or that I think she will be scarred for life or anything like that. Its just that sometimes I feel the hurt I know she will feel at that specific point in time when the hard parts dawn on her. I'm reading the books, I'm praying and we'll be fine. Undoubtedly I believe God gave her to our family as a marvelous gift and in a wonderful way but I can't help but hate anything that will cause her to hurt. Whatever pain there is she will get past and she will learn to incorporate her story into her life in a positive way but I wish I could shield her from the process. God knows I would. I would carry the hurts of the other kids too, the ones I birthed. Here's the stark reality. Motherhood is hard and the physical labor is the easy part. It's the heart part that is hard.

The day we picked up Ella 12/6/06. We were still in the attorney's office in this photo. We waited two very long hours for the attorney to arrive (she had a major God complex). Regan spilled Diet Coke in the attorney's leather chair and I was beyond caring. Note mine and Grace's teary eyes. It was so special to share this day with Grace. I will never forget her saying in total awe "Mom it's like they GAVE us a baby"! Ella was bundled in 5 layers of clothes and when we took the hat off her sweaty little head her hair stuck straight up!


  1. I so know what you mean...Some day there will likely be tears and ohhh how our hearts will be breaking for our baby girls.

    I remember that picture. We arrived on that same day in Guatemala. We received Soli the next day. Such a special time. They were soooo little!

    Big hugs,

  2. I know how you feel. The other day, tears for things lost became reality at our house. All you can do is hold them and PRAY that somehow their pain will be eased! Not easy or fun!


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